My Ovaries Are (Only Mostly) Dead
Premature ovarian failure, or pre-menopause, happens when an ovulating person under 40 experiences menopause.
It is devastating, even for someone who never wanted children.
OK, I never didn’t want children either. I was never sure. I didn’t grow up dreaming of my strapping husband, 2.5 kids and a picket fence. I dreamed of becoming an MTV VJ, marrying Quddus and living in a penthouse apartment in LA or New York with our tiny dog. Kids weren’t part of that plan.
Sure, I’ve imagined what Mike would be like as a dad and it makes me smile. I think he’s suited for it. He doesn’t treat kids like kids. He treats them with so much respect. That’s why they (and everyone else) gravitate to him.
And our kid would be so cool. With Mike’s east coast swag and my mid-western charm, raised in a vibrant city like Los Angeles? Get out of here. I want to be that kid’s best friend.
I should say our kid would have been cool. Because the chances of having one now are all but gone.
Lately I wonder what I would have done if I’d known this would happen to me. Would I have rushed through my career paths? Would I have abandoned them altogether? Would I have traded my dreams in favor of procreation? I just thought I’d have more time. I thought I’d have the time to make something of myself, build a life I’m proud of and then have a kid. Or at least, once all that was checked off the list, maybe I’d know whether I wanted one for sure.
Because, you see, I have no problem not being a mom. Mike and I love our childless life. We do whatever we want whenever we want. We sleep until noon. We do drugs any given Sunday (or Tuesday). We don’t think about school districts or college funds. OK, That’s a lie. We considered schools when we bought our house. We also considered where the baby would sleep.
My mind is split in two even though I’m restricted to just one path now. A dusty, dark path with my youth lying in waste behind me. Like I said, it’s devastating. It hurts in a way I’ve never felt. I know I was taking my time with the decision to have kids or not, but now it seems the decision has been made for me and that is not fair. I believe in the right to choose!
Now I feel the eyes of relatives an in-laws wondering why I didn’t give them a grandbaby/niece or nephew. I feel broken, like I’m not fulfilling my purpose. I understand that this is society’s fault. I know making babies isn’t my only possible role here. And in a nation where having a baby is deadly, especially for Black women, it’s something I’ve always been fearful of. I guess my ovaries got the memo and resigned. They got sick of me griping about my painful, messy periods, packed their eggs and went dormant.
This week I’ve felt PMS symptoms. Nausea, cramping, the works. There’s even spotting, which is more action than I’ve seen in many months. Was this all a cruel joke? An if-you-don’t-use-it, you-lose-it lesson from the universe? Possibly. Has it made my decisions easier? No. Because I’ve now settled on not having kids because it felt like the only option. If I’m getting another chance, the stakes are even higher because now I would just be wasting it. I’d be spitting in the face of all the forces that worked to wake my ovaries up — the tests, the hormone treatments, the diets, the acupuncture, the essential oils, the crystals, the fucking moon … ) and saying “Cool trick, but I’m good.”
So what’s my point? I think that people should know about this. Premature menopause, premature ovarian failure, premature ovarian insufficiency… whatever you call it, it sucks. People should know it’s a thing that happens to approximately 1 in 100 ovary-carrying people under 40 and 1 and 1,000 under 30. But, deeper than that, it’s yet another example of why you shouldn’t wait to make your dreams come true. If being a mom is your dream, get out there and make some babies. There’s no good time to have a baby just like there’s no good time to quit your job and strike out on your own, or sell everything you own and move across the country. So just do it.
And another layer — one that’s so much easier said than done and that I’m working on every minute of every day: Don’t let the expectations of society dictate your life. You’ll always feel like you should have a “normal” job, you should respect your elders no matter how they treat you, you should grow up, get married and have kids… you’ll waste every precious minute of your life trying to live up to these things. It is YOUR life. Follow your happiness instead.
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